I’m coming at you live from my side of the bed, where I don’t want to leave. I am not interested in doing any workouts, but TWO workouts sounds like a terrible thing right now (this is a pretty big contrast to last night’s “I’m so excited” entry).
I also am not in the mood to go to work, and have to talk to people and do my hair and makeup and actually look decent and be friendly.
I would really rather lay here like a beached whale and just read a book all day.
Since that can’t happen, I’m going to literally roll out of bed, go do two workouts, then do my hair and makeup so I look decent, then go pretend to be friendly at work all day.
Well, maybe not the LASTTTTT time ever, but I wanted to say that yesterday I pulled out my favorite pair of jeans from the closet to take a look at their size and they’re a 13. I was wearing them in January, and have worn them since but they’re basically swimming around my waist and thighs now, which makes sense since I now comfortably sit in a size 6.
I’m pretty sure I have higher sizes in the closet, I just need to find them. I want to take a picture with them when I finish T25 =]
I also wore two medium-sized shirts over the past few days comfortably, which is nice. Larges and extra larges have been my shit for the past year or so, at least, so it’s nice to deviate away from that.
I always tell you guys to recognize yourselves for the good you do so I want to do that for myself right now!
I want to give myself a pat on the back for always pressing PLAY on my workout video even as I literally moan, “I don’t want to do this!” while sliding the DVD in.
I may bitch and whine about it, but I always, always press play and get that workout done.
I have a binge eating disorder and I have still not even begun the path to recovery. Clean eating is the hardest part. I spend all day thinking about food. I have little to no ability to tell when I am full or not. And, what's worse, is I agree with your post about how people try and "help." Everyone gets at least a little defensive about their eating disorders (emphasize 'disorder', right?). I prefer my boyfriend to defer me to a healthier option than telling me that I can't have a milkshake.
This photographer that I love is coming to San Francisco on Saturday to do a viewing of his documentary and I want to meet him, you guyssss! Pretend I’m saying this in a super whiny tone because, well, that’s how it is.
I follow him on Instagram and he actually followed me back, so I already wanted to poop my pants, but I just wrote to him and asked if he’ll be meeting guests on Saturday at the film festival and if he replies to me I will die. Or something less dramatic. But seriously, I would be SO excited.
This guy is a huge advocate for sharks and their safety and does amazing work in regards to them. Sharks are my favorite animals [hence the shark tooth tattoo you may have spotted in my half-nakie pics recently] and I am obsessed with everything this guy posts; his pictures and videos are INSANE.
Ok I’m done now. Unless he replies to me. In which case I’ll be posting crazy updates again. Ok bye.
Wanna help me win a contest?! All you need to do is like my drawing/painting! http://tinyurl.com/helpmariahwin
It’s not a fake URL that’ll give you viruses. I swear. I worked really hard on it over the weekend. Thank you!
Please take a few seconds out of your day to go like her picture! I’ve already done it and can back up the whole not-a-virus thing haha :)
While you’re in the throes of being a full-fledged binger, and/or when you’re trying to recover, I feel that a support system can be important and beneficial, whether that support be coming from followers on Tumblr, your best friends, your boyfriend, your parents, or all of the above.
Having someone there to keep you from eating your feelings or binging until you’re physically sick can REALLY be a huge help.
That being said, for me personally—I am NOT speaking of behalf of all bingers—I find it really detrimental when someone tries to forcefully tell me not to eat something.
Example of something I find helpful: A few nights ago, I mentioned wanting pizza for dinner. As I said it, I knew I didn’t mean it, but I had urges to binge and wanted to start with the pizza. Lucky for me, James knew what was up, so he politely and gently said, “Why don’t we have the shrimp we bought yesterday with some veggies? I’ll make some asparagus since I know you love it.” He didn’t outwardly say it, but we both knew he was trying to deter me from binging. When we were done eating, I thanked him for steering me away from that decision.
Example of something I do NOT find helpful, while realizing the intent was good: James and I went to my parents’ for a family dinner, and when we got there, there was a platter of cookies on the counter. I asked if I could have one, and my mom firmly yelled, “No,” while everyone else was eating them. I thought she was kidding, so I reached for one, and she playfully whacked my hand and said, “no, I’m serious, you can’t. You’re eating right, you want to lose weight, don’t you?”
I found this frustrating for several reasons:
- As someone struggling with their weight, it was embarrassing for me to be the only person in the room be denied ONE COOKIE while everyone else was having one. Maybe that’s dumb, but it still stung a little, like, NO FATTIE. NO COOKIES FOR YOU. GET THE FLAB OFF YOUR ASS AND THEN MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE COOKIES.
- After I insisted that I only wanted to have one cookie, she still said no. One cookie is not going to negate all of the clean eating and working out I have been doing. One cookie is not going to hurt me.
- As a binger, being told NO in that manner is mentally detrimental to me. Maybe it’s not that way for everyone, but that made me just want to eat even more than I was going to.
- Everything in moderation is okay. I mean, I’m not telling you to go smoke crack or snort some coke in moderation, but was one home-made cookie going to hurt? No. Moderation is key. So is progress. The fact that I only wanted one was a big deal to me; three months ago I would have loaded up my plate with 6 cookies and came back for more.
This week, I talked to both my mom and James about these approaches. Both mentioned that they felt I get defensive when they try to help, so I gave them both examples of when I felt they were were super helpful and accommodating, and said that what I do not appreciate is when it comes off as restrictive, because for bingers, that’s a bit dangerous. They both understood where I was coming from, and I let them both know that I appreciate their help on this subject and that they’ve both been very key to me staying on track.
I also had a long talk with James again last night where he asked me a lot of really personal questions about binging so he could better understand things. We have discussed it before, of course, but this was really in-depth. I told him about how it becomes a secret you’re hiding, and how you make yourself physically sick. I gave him examples of things I used to eat and told him how binging makes you feel mentally. He asked me what I think about food when I think about it, and I told him about how I’d mentally plan out my next binge without even realizing it. It wasn’t the easiest conversation, but it was an important one to have, and I just really appreciate him even being so invested in learning about this so he can help even more than he already has.
Does anyone else relate to this or do I sound like a crazy asshole?
Guys, I think I want to order Gamma (the 3rd and separate part of T25) when I get paid on the 15th.
I don’t want to finish the program in 3 weeks (and 3 days, but who’s counting, right?) and then struggle to find a new exercise routine. I also really like Shaun T as an instructor and want to stare at him—I meannnn, work out with him—for as long as possible.
James and I have been talking about getting gym memberships for a while now; we almost did around Christmas time but were under the impression that we weren’t going to be able to keep our apartment, and didn’t know where we were going to end up. Now that it looks like we can stay, we might look into the gym again. I repeat, not a firm believer in NEEDING a gym membership, but I would like to take advantage of the classes they offer and maybe even the pool; it’s heated. The one at my parents’ place isn’t. Me no likey being cold. Then again me also no likey gross ass pools—as a germophobe public pools tend to freak me out.
I like that these are the things I think about now.
Snacks you used to find in my car:
McDonalds bags, Taco Bell remnants, soda cans and bottles, bags of cookies and Reeses
Snacks you can find in my car now:
A gallon of water, raw unsalted almonds, a bag of carrots, “naked” granola
You’ve come a long way, baby.
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