Peace out, pudge!

i was naturally thin, a girl who proudly flaunted her body and the fact that it took nothing to keep it looking toned and tiny. binge-eating entered the picture in my early 20s, and the pounds packed on. in 2010 i took off 20+ pounds, but after getting my first "big girl job" in an office and having access to free food, i gave in and gained it all back. since then, it's been a roller coaster of gaining and losing weight AND gaining and losing love for my body. currently, i'm recovering from a back injury and still striving to get my body to look the way i want it to, but throughout the journey i've found a self-appreciation i never had before. if you're okay with some dirty words, lame jokes, and lots of cat pictures, follow along to keep up with my progress. i promise to always keep it interesting. <3
Posts tagged "calories"

yesterday my family went to BJ’s to celebrate father’s day. i don’t go to BJ’s very often but every time i do i realize how much i love it, but the issue with that is i also love their most calorie-ridden food, too.  everything was looking at was 1,000+ calories. boyfriend and i have been doing a good job at eating organic foods in normal proportions, and im happy about that, but faced with the bj’s menu i was extremely tempted to cheat. extremely.

to be “good,” i flipped to the ‘lite’ menu and saw that they offered a vegetarian mini pizza that was only 500 calories. it looked good, but i really wanted a burger or a quesadilla and of course those were in the 1,500 range. this was when the internal dialogue began.

i had a lot of choices in that moment. i could either stick to feeling good and being happy with my eating decisions of late, or i could be lazy and just eat whatever i felt like in the moment and probably pay for it later. i told myself that i need to start making the choices that will lead to long-term success. i also had jenna marbles’ infamous, “think of your butt, think of your butt!” phrase pop into my head at that moment, which is really what pushed me over the edge into being a good girl and sticking with the mini pizza. thank youuuu, jenna mourey. you fucking hero.

when the servers put our plates on the table, my mom and i made eye contact as we saw my mini pizza touch down and realized how tiny it was and we both burst out laughing. everyone else’s plates were huge and full of food, and i had this tiny plate of some weenie pizza in front of me. i was sure i wouldn’t be full after eating it and was frustrated that i was ‘stuck’ eating something so small with so many epic choices in front of me. i was also frustrated because i caught a glimpse of the dr. pepper cream soda that they’re currently offering, and was annoyed that any kind of soda makes me break out/feel like crap.

well, that being said, my mini pizza was awesome. it had fresh tomato, bell pepper, onion, and lots of other great veggies as a topping. and the crust was freaking great. i could eat that crap all day. when we were done, i was definitely full, but didn’t feel gross or like i’d over-done it. i also turned the table menu around so the dr. pepper drink wasn’t staring me in the face, and finished my glass of water. i was happy and felt good, and everyone else—go figure—felt like shit for the rest of the day because their burgers were too much.

i was full till dinnertime came around, and boyfriend and i made the lamb burgers on organic buns with cucumber slices and lots of water and all was right.

i need to continuously talk myself out of making bad choices. splurging sometimes is ok, and necessary, but i cant make excuses for myself every single time. i do something fun nearly every day, so if i told myself all the time—“well its girls’ night, so i’ll eat this!” or “it’s fathers day, so i’ll eat this!” or “it’s date night, so i’ll drink this!” or “it’s melissa’s dog’s birthday, so i’ll eat this!” i could literally make an excuse for almost every single day, and then where would i be? back where i started, or worse.

i’d like to pat myself on the back for talking myself out of a 1000+ calorie burger i did not need, and look forward to saying no to other crap in the coming weeks until im 100% back in control of my eating habits!

and on sunday, i did nothing!

actually, i watched ‘grey’s anatomy’ clips all day long and DESTROYED MY SOUL in the process. i used to watch that show religiously when it first started and then randomly stopped [i think meredith’s “drowning” really didn’t appeal to me, and it was all downhill from there] but the commercials for the finales ALWAYS suck me back in. so i checked it out and was dying. LEXIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

anyway. there was no food structure whatsoever on sunday. it was bad, guys. i don’t even know what my deal was. i guess i was just like YOLO, I’M EATING CHEETOS or something but whatever it was, it wasnt cute. 


i direct that to myself, and you guys, and my stomach, which was making noises like, BITCH why are you doing this to me?! for the rest of the night.

this morning’s food—

  • breakfast: 1 cup fiber one cereal and fiber one bar after exercise
  • snack 1: chopped banana with almond butter [i get cravings for it so this will probably be one of my recurring snacks for a while]

this morning’s exercise—

  • 10 minutes with the punching bag. i usually hit the bag with each arm 10 times then switch but today i upped it to 15-25 and then mixed it up. it felt good.
  • 20 medicine ball lifts
  • 5 runs up the stairs [15 steps]

my cat watched me during the stair runs like, “what is this weird bitch DOING?” oh sidenote, i went to the gym yesterday and it was PACKED so i said eff this shit and came home and did my own thing (what i posted yesterday) but i’m going to try again today so i’ll let you guys know what happens with that =]

so the ‘world gourmet’ buffet is hurting me today just like the yelp reviews SAID it would, GROSS!

i finished the second book in the hunger games series. LOVED it. not sure why i took so long to read these books but i’ll be picking up the 3rd book as soon as i get off work.

anyway back to weight loss related shit: i can see why some of you told me that skateboarding would be a workout; my legs were definitely feeling it. i’ll be practicing again tonight. so far i enjoy it but i’m still too cautious to really get into it and i get frustrated easily, but i’ll keep trying.

my brother left last night for ranger training in georgia. it was really emotional saying bye to him. i wasnt expecting to feel as terrible as i did but we said bye outside in the dark and he finally actually gave me a hug—it’s a running inside joke that he will never give me a hug. but last night he just held me for a few minutes and we talked about how i want him to be careful. i watched his car pull away and we waved till he got to the end of the street. it was sad. i didn’t expect to tear up but i totally did. i’ll miss him while he’s gone and will worry for him, but i also know how talented he is, and how smart. he’ll be okay.

when he comes back in 6 months [hopefully no more than that] i want to be in awesome shape like he is. he’s a beast when it comes to exercise and i want him to be impressed and surprised when he comes home. i also want to be a champ at skateboarding =]

im gonna refrain from alcohol for the rest of the month, with the exception of the 26th because it’s a friend’s birthday and i want to drink mimosas because who doesn’t want to drink mimosas, but besides that—no more till march.

i don’t drink much as it is but when i do, i have beer, and beer literally heads straight to my stomach—the little beer baby I have going on right now is not something im down with. and if its not beer, its one of those cutesy girly drinks that are like 9 billion calories, and that just isn’t worth it. so no more till the 26th! and hello again, flat stomach.

this is how i feel about this, and i’ve posted something similar a few times and got this reaction from a few people—“a binge means something different to different people.”

maybe mentally this can be true. i can dig where you’re coming from. but go to your doctor and tell them that you ate 2 cookies after dinner, when the rest of the day you ate a healthy balance of well-proportioned meals of veggies, fruits, proteins, etc., and then see if they tell you that you “binged.”

didn’t think so.

yesterday i said that i thought today would be my first let-down weigh-in of the year, and i was right.

last week: 133.4

this week: 135.0


…no but seriously, not gonna trip. and you want to know why?

i pigged out yesterday and the day before in valentines day celebrations. last night boyfriend and i debated on what to do, since we’d really already celebrated at the weekend [more on that later, since it contributed to my gain], and decided to split a pizza and beer and sit on his bedroom floor with the lights dimmed and candles lit and the ‘nsync station on pandora playing, yet another way i know he loves the shit out of me.

so yeah, thanks to the holiday and me giving in to the amazing food it offered, no loss.

alsoooo, my period comes tomorrow and i am bloated as fuck and feel like a baby whale, so im gonna bet 5 bucks that next week i go down a pound or two just from being off my period and getting back to normal eating. so its all good! next week will be better =]

i don’t usually post stuff like this but i agree with all these points so i figured id share =]

(via beingthinisnotasin)

a lot of people think that because they buy low-calorie foods like microwaved dinners that they’re eating healthily—keep in mind that a lot of these ‘healthy’ dinners and lunches may be low in calories but are often high in other things like sodium! and that at the end of the day, a processed meal is not one that is great for your body. stick to making yourself a sandwich or wrap with fresh ingredients, or throwing together a salad with some fruit and/or chicken for protein thrown in, and while it may have more calories, it’s better for you and won’t make you feel sluggish the way one of those microwaves dinners just might.

Last night I decided to do about 15 more arm and stomach exercises each than I had originally written. I incorporated the kettle bell into my arm workout, which always kicks my ass, so I’m mildly sore today. But it’s the good sore, the kind that means that you did something right. This morning I did 50 arm exercises and have done 30 squats thus far (which tells you I’ve peed twice today!). I brought food for the day and didn’t even look at the rack of death earlier. The rack of death is my bitch.

the “rack of death” is my arch enemy. every bad thing you could possibly want is on it. it’s a binger’s worst nightmare, i’m not even kidding.

luckily, there’s a gym at work that provides classes at lunch…i’m gonna have to look into that soon.

tomorrow: a picture of the rack of death for you, so you can know what i’m dealing with here.

i’m back from san diego! my friend’s wedding was beautiful and fun and i think everyone had a really good time. laura and i enjoyed the trip there—we stopped at a chocolate factory and at a petting zoo with bitchy llamas that wouldn’t let us pet them—but the way back was rough, thanks to hangovers and extreme sleepiness. 

but we’re home! and i’ve got some cool stuff going on:

  • i start my new job today! it’s my first big full-time job so i’m a little nervous, but mostly i’m just excited to get started. 
  • it’s also the day i promised myself [and my boyfriend, because i want him to help me] that i’d focus on exercise and eating right.

the warrior dash is this month—on the 29th—and while i’m not necessarily trying to win the whole thing, i don’t want to be crapping out on the sidelines, either. so my main october goal is to run every day of this month.

even more importantly, my favorite day of the year, halloween, is coming up and i refuse to be out of shape for that!

i’ll be thinking about goals i’d like to set for the month and will post them later! for now i have to finish my breakfast of fruit and [proportioned] cereal and pick a good new first day of work outfit =]

what do you mean, i write too much about my mom’s eating habits?! 

sooooo let’s get started. i’m relieved because finally someone else is speaking up about the issue with my mom’s eating habits. she mentioned being overweight a few days ago and my brother stepped in and—nicely—said something about the fact that her weight is 100% due to her diet. 

he talked about how when she goes to the store she comes back with carts full of crappy, processed food and that because she’s not exactly educated on what’s healthy, even her attempts at ‘health food’ don’t work out. for example, she came home with some cup of noodle shit a few days ago because it was “low in calories” (it was over 200 per cup for a SMALL ASS CUP, but okay) and doesn’t pay any attention to the sodium or anything else.

she also has been showing up with full cakes and bags of candy because they’ve been on sale, which really epitomizes the “just because you CAN buy it doesn’t mean you SHOULD” quote we’ve been circulating around the fitblr community so often recently.

i’m happy that someone else has said something because i know for a long time we’ve felt too awkward to do so but really,that isn’t helping her or us because she continues to buy the way she does and it’s all bad.

well, i have a problem. youuuu don’t. but this past week and a half or so i’ve been noticing myself falling back into bad habits: 

  • eating after 7pm, which i stopped doing long ago because it makes late-night binges more likely for me. and sure enough, i was eating crap left and right late at night.
  • eating out and not caring about what i ordered. i ate out over 3 times in the past week and didn’t pay attention to anything on the menu like i normally would. i think treating yourself is fine, but eating out two nights in a row and ordering something that was worth my entire caloric intake for the day was a bad idea
  • snacking on processed CRAP. a drumstick [310 calories, loads of fat calories] and chocolate covered raisins are not my usual snacks. NOT COOL TARA.

there’s more than that but you get the idea. i’ve still been getting in good stuff, but i see myself drifting into old habits and that’s not okay because i know where that will lead and i’m not willing to go back down the road i started on. i know myself and i know i’ll do the good old, “i’ll eat well tomorrow!” or “who cares, it’s just a few unhealthy things!” routine and then it’ll be all bad. i don’t want to eat unhealthily, i’m happier when i’m disciplined so i don’t need to stray from that.

so it was tough but today i decided to implement some new ideas for myself. i also drank green tea again for the first time in forever, hoping it’d help speed up my metabolism, and made a list of things to do today, including exercise, a food plan/food log, and water count. im making sure to keep my water glass close so i can constantly sip. 

i dont know what’s up with the recent cravings but i’m done with giving in to them. also, please no “you’re pregnant!” jokes because that freaks me outtttt haha [no kids for meeee]

I used to eat Drumsticks [the ice cream, not chicken. But that too, I guess. Ugh food I love you too much] like 2 or 3 at a time…someone got a box of them today and I just saw that they’re 310 calories each. UNFREAKINGNECESSARY!