Peace out, pudge!

Uhh I wrote a decently-sized update earlier and it apparently didn’t post. Don’t cockblock me, Tumblr, I’m just trying to love you! I’m going to try and remember everything I wrote:

• So I unknowingly over-did it with my cookie allowance on Thursday. I got new ones for my daily cookie intake that I’ve been doing, without realizing just how “bad” those new ones were. I went to plug them into my points for the day and realized they basically WERE my points for the day. On Friday I headed into work with the remainder of the cookies with a note on top that read, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP THESE AWAY FROM ME,” put them on my friend’s desk, and that was the end of that. 
• Today I was on my feet ALL day. James and I got a lot done today; we got plants for the loft and some wood for the bar that we’re making in the living room. We were running around hardware stores all day long. It was good exercise.
• THEN one of my friends stopped by and we went for a long ass walk together since it’s nice out tonight and I was showing her the new place and new area. We talked a lot about my struggle with binging and my new Weight Watchers membership. It was nice to be doing something productive while discussing all that. 
• That’s all I can remember for now. 

Updates tomorrow; I work from 9am-6pm and will most likely be bored…sucks for youuuu because I’m about to blow up your dash!

Until tomorrow!

<3

Last week’s goals were:

• Not eating anything unplanned at work; no more daily vending machine trips or fast food stops, PERIOD. That crap doesn’t make me feel good and it’s unnecessary, 100%. 
• Staying focused on not eating more than I need to. When I’m full, I can stop eating, not go and refill my plate till I’m sick.
• Going out of my way to park further from places to get more walking in!

I did all 3 of these. I never once over-ate. I will say that the vending machine did cross my mind more often than not, but I just decided to keep my head down and not look at it when I passed by it and that idea worked for me. 

I did, though, do something that got me through binging for the week. I bought a platter of thumbprint cookies, which normally would be dangerous, but I think that the combination of the admittance of having an eating disorder and the joining of Weight Watchers has made me feel a level of control that I haven’t had in years. 

So every day I’ve had between 3-5 of these cookies and added them into my daily points. Eating them has been my “daily dessert” and has stopped me from eating anything else that is “bad” for me, because I keep in mind that I’ve already eaten the cookies and don’t need anything else like that for the day. 

It’s worked for me. Today is my 2nd Weight Watcher’s meeting so I’ll update with my weigh-in and new goals later tonight!! Fingers crossed that I did indeed lose 2 pounds; 2 pounds would be a great start =]

I’ve been hitting my daily Weight Watchers points exactly every day since I started—which was last Wednesday, just FYI for those who aren’t following along or are new followers!—but yesterday was the first day I went over.

I’m supposed to be at 26 points per day, which is what I’ve been consistently at [or slightly under]. Yesterday, though, I went for margaritas with a friend and had a few chips with salsa, so my points were at 47 because of that. 

Also, I bought some cookies for me to indulge in daily. Yes, daily. I don’t know why, but cookies have been my go-to craving the past month or so. So for a couple days I’ve had 3-5 cookies per day [they’re not large], added them into my points, and have still had points left over, which is nice; I’m not depriving myself but I’m not overdoing it either. Of course, at some point I’d like to have NO cookies but for now those babies are keeping me from buying up an entire cake and rolling around in it before eating the entire thing to my face.

I want to be VERY upfront with everything I’m eating so I wanted to share this. One cool thing about WW is that they factor in “extras” that you might want or need to indulge in, so I get 49 extra points per week for that purpose. So now I have 28 points remaining for the week. 

One goal is to not utilize the rest of those points, but I need to be realistic and know that I can’t make any promises to myself or you just yet; I need to dip my toes into recovery, not dive in, because that’s never worked for me. 

A part of me felt guilty for having the margaritas and eating the chips and salsa, but I decided to focus on the upside: I didn’t order any actual food plates, which was a huge accomplishment for me. Drunk Tara ALWAYS orders food. And that’s the purpose of the extra points, so it’s all good. I got over it.

On Wednesday after my Weight Watchers meeting I’ll post new goals for the week and re-visit the ones I made after my first meeting to see how I did!

This LOOKS like something your cat might barf up, but I promise it tasted good! It’s a feta cheese/cilantro/mild organic red salsa blend that I put on top of a flank steak dusted with oregano and cumin tonight. It was our 2nd homemade Weight Watchers meal…with a bit of a twist. A few ingredients were slightly different (peppers were supposed to be included; the feta was supposed to be sour cream) but it turned out awesome so we’re happy. And I’m so full! I was worried I’d still be hungry but I’m stuffed without over eating :)

My first Weight Watchers home-cooked meal! James and I made this together last night. It’s garlic shrimp with broccoli cooked in chicken broth and lemon squeezed over it and it was so freaking good. We will definitely be trying that again!

Today was a success. I hit my 26 points right on the nose, yayyyy. What I’d really like a high five or an amen for, though, is the fact that I went to Applebee’s with my boyfriend and his sister who I’m actually in love with and will probably marry someday [BYE JAMES. HI SAMANTHA.] and I ordered off the Weight Watchers menu and pre-planned it before I went and didn’t eat ANYTHING else.

I didn’t steal any of James’ fries. I didn’t touch ANY of the dessert, which was hard because it looked amazing, omg. And my food was actually really good! Bonus points!

James and I are going shopping this weekend. He says he wants to get ingredients for the recipes on the WW site, so we can both eat their food…so I don’t have to do it alone. He reminds me every day of why I am lucky to have him.

I’ve had SO MUCH support flowing in from people today for admitting my eating disorder publicly and for signing up for this program. If anyone out there is hesitant to get the help they need, I hope this can show you that when you need it, people are willing to step forward and help. I’m getting messages from old friends, new ones, and people who I don’t even know saying that they’re happy for me for taking this “first” step towards recovery. That is REALLY awesome. I am so impressed by everyone right now and so excited that I’m doing this.

I wonder how many times I’ve posted on here like, “hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!” It feels like a million times.

But hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!

After I admitted to myself, my mom, and all of you that I do indeed have a true eating disorder [I’m pretty sure my doctor is going to say, “I TOLD YOU SO” the next time I see her—seriously, she keeps it real], I made a decision to try something that was never really an option to me before.

I joined Weight Watchers. And I went to my first meeting. 

For some reason I always equated Weight Watchers to a bunch of older women with pedometers eating assigned foods and tallying up points and really I just didn’t know anything about it. And the only people I knew who had tried it were older women—my mom, my mom’s friends, my elderly neighbor. 

My mom was actually the one to suggest it. I looked up the site, did some research, immediately tried to put off going to a meeting, and then told myself, NO. No more of this. So I signed up for yesterday’s meeting and have already tracked my first day of food.

There were lots of older ladies in there, yes, but there were also a couple younger ones and even a few men of different ages. Everyone was nice, and I felt myself nodding along to their words the ENTIRE time. The leader was friendly and funny, which helped too. 

At the end of it, we had a separate meeting for the newbies, where I met two women I really liked and a very sweet older woman who called me pretty [10 points for you, Sylvia] and wished me good luck when she walked out the door. I shared what I shared with all of you and the leader and the other women were very sensitive and supportive towards me.

No pun intended, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders…and I feel like this was the reason my weight loss wasn’t permanent before. I took off nearly 30 lbs, sure, but without admitting the problem, which is supposedly the amazing gateway first step, it probably wasn’t in the cards for me to make a permanent change.

I won’t lie, I felt a little self-conscious walking up to the building. It’s in a popular area of town, and for a moment I thought, what if someone sees me? 

And then I told myself, who the fuck cares? 

How is the year going by so quickly?! I need to step it up with the goals!

I’m on my way to get a sandwich from Subway for dinner and then on to the gym. I haven’t been able to post as much because we don’t have internet at my place yet =[ But soon! 

The plan is to hit the gym every day in May, because my 30 day trial ends June 1st. Not for anything super strenuous, but at least a treadmill walk on the daily. I won’t be weighing myself till May 29th, because to be honest, I just don’t want to know. 

I feel good, having gone to the gym and eaten primarily clean foods the past 3 days. I don’t need to see a number I don’t want to see and get upset or off track. So I’ll update every day to keep myself accountable and let you guys know how it goes :)

I’ve started leaving myself inspirational messages on my alarm so I can wake up to something positive. Or things like “BITCH GET UP NOW STOP SLACKING” which always works, too.

I have my meeting with the personal training/nutrition spot at 9:30. I have a bad feeling that I may get emotional talking about my struggles with food but whatever, I’m sure I’m not the first. Today will be a very productive day that is focused largely on healthy foods and exercise so I’ll update in a bit with some news!

This probably doesn’t look like a big deal to a lot of you, but when i found it hiding under my bed, I cringed. 

In case you’re wondering what it is, it’s a bag of Cheetos.

In case you’re wondering why it’s under my bed, that’s because I was hiding it. I didn’t want the boyfriend that I live with to see any part of yet another binge. I know he wouldn’t judge me, or lecture me, but it wasn’t about any of that; it was about being out of control and not wanting anyone to know so that I could keep doing what I wanted to without anyone trying to stop me. 

That bag might not seem like a big deal, but it represents the relationship that I have with food right now pretty clearly—and it’s not a happy one. 

That bag is yet another reason I need all the assistance I can get with this. I want to be done with binging for the last time in my life.

I contacted a place in my city that does training and food plans for people. They customize the meal plans and the training methods to each person; on Monday I go in for a consultation to talk about my issues with food and what I want to gain from potentially utilizing their services.

One of my friends has lost 40 pounds with them and is in awesome shape now—he said his body fat percentage is at all all-time low for him—and it has 5 stars on Yelp with loads of good reviews. I think it’s worth a shot, to get in there and talk to someone and at least see if it’s a good fit for me. 

Before, I lost the weight on my own; I made my own meal plans, I forced myself to get more active, I did everything myself. This time it seems that that isn’t working in the long run, and I’ve finally gotten it in my head that hey—asking for help this time is okay. I think either having a trainer at this place, or at least attending work out classes at the sports center, is going to be necessary for me this time around to keep me accountable and to at least get me off my ass.

Soo yeah. Monday at 7:45 [I work until 7pm that day. No likey], I go talk to someone. I’ll update on how it goes and if I like it!

This is an accurate depiction of me trying to bring in groceries. I am psychotically adamant about not making two trips. I will let my arms snap off before I go back out to the car!

Sooooo I’m not gonna lie to you guys, yesterday was not good. It started off well; I had fruit for breakfast and a Clif bar [CLIF. NOT CLIFF. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY DO I SPELL IT WRONG EVERY TIME WHEN I KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT?!] as a snack and I had some vegetables in between. 

But then one of the properties we sell came in to visit and brought brownies that apparently fell from heaven with them, and I had two of those—which would’ve been no biggie because they were very small so it was in moderation. But THEN James and I went out and got Mexican food and I had a fat ass burrito [it was good. So at least there was that.] and a Corona.

So not the worst thing ever in life, but I wasn’t pleased with myself afterwards. I decided to chill out after a while and just get back on track today; it was just one day. A burrito won’t kill me. And seriously, it was good. 

James and I are going to a wedding this afternoon and I don’t know what the food situation will be like, but I did volunteer as tribute DD so I won’t be drinking anything, which will make it easier to not eat anything bad. And I’ll be able to eat decent portions, too. I’ll update on that later. But I’ve kept it light today with fruit and a wheat bagel for breakfast and a carrot/tomato/strawberry smoothie with protein powder for lunch. 

We’ll be moving into our new apartment this next week; we get the keys on Monday and I am so freaking excited for it. Not only because I reeeeally dislike our current complex—the bumper on my car just got stolen, WHO DOES THAT?!— but just because I really love this new place and its location =] 

This is what I’m doing on my lunch break: laying in my car like a sloth. I had some veggie sushi rolls for lunch and it was good shit. I’m about to go into a training on 5 star hotels in Mexico; should be interesting stuff! Happy Thursday!

I know it’s Thursday and that’s the next best thing, but I really just want it to be Saturday already; I have a fun weekend ahead of me and then James and I get the keys to the new place on Monday so I’m really ready for the work week to be over with!

We went grocery shopping last night so I stocked up on some more fruit and a few other healthy things I can have as snacks or lunch, so I’m set for today. 

I haven’t done any exercise this morning—um, I haven’t done anything this morning to be honest. I’m still in bed again. So I’ll write more later. Until then, please let this day go by quickly! <3