Peace out, pudge!

i was naturally thin, a girl who proudly flaunted her body and the fact that it took nothing to keep it looking toned and tiny. binge-eating entered the picture in my early 20s, and the pounds packed on. in 2010 i took off 20+ pounds, but after getting my first "big girl job" in an office and having access to free food, i gave in and gained it all back. since then, it's been a roller coaster of gaining and losing weight AND gaining and losing love for my body. currently, i'm recovering from a back injury and still striving to get my body to look the way i want it to, but throughout the journey i've found a self-appreciation i never had before. if you're okay with some dirty words, lame jokes, and lots of cat pictures, follow along to keep up with my progress. i promise to always keep it interesting. <3
Posts tagged "food"

Any day that I get through without a binge feels like a really huge win. Even though I’ve come so, SO far from where I was, I still feel like I have so, SO far to go, and each day without a binge or even the biggest urge to do it feels like a great step in the right direction. 

James and I just discussed the fact that I’ve turned into someone who is dedicated to exercise now. Since January 20th, I have been religiously exercising 5 to 6 days a week. If I can just get to the point where I am genuinely in control of food, and feel that way, I will be a very happy camper. 

Today was a clean-eating, water-filled, exercise-doing kind of day, and I can go to bed feeling good about that.


For whatever lame ass reason I want to eat EVERYTHING today, and walking through the food aisles at Target was a pretty bad idea. But I decided to stick to my guns and left with a salad, hummus and pretzels, natural fruit strips, green Life Juice (tons of veggies in a bottle), and some fruit.

Because I’m craving sweet stuff, I got all natural chocolate that is 60% cacao so I don’t go balls to the wall and eat a hundred Reeses eggs.

So yeah. Good job, self! 4 for you!

Sidenote, I hate today. I’m at my gross location, not the nice one, and I picked up a product that had snot ALL over it. I definitely found out someone sneezed on it AFTER it was all over my hand. Hdhhdbaktysbskaobdhjsh

My parents’ house has transformed from:

The place I would go to eat my feelings, the place where I put on over 30 pounds, the place where I would cry in my room with mountains of food around me as I felt out of control but unwilling to do anything about it


The place I go to do my workout 5 days a week and a place where I don’t feel like I need or want to shove food down my throat. And the place where I either make my protein shake or have some fruit for breakfast, and leave it at that. The place where I re-fill my water bottle instead of the place where I drink 20 cans of soda.

This is a really, really nice realization. 

I went to Sweet Tomatoes and ONLY. HAD. SALAD. 

And a healthy ass salad with no dressing or any extra crap thrown in, too! BIG DEAL ALERT

I would like to say that I just accidentally forgot dressing. That wasn’t exactly on purpose so I don’t really get points for that. But still! 

The last time I went to Sweet Tomatoes I had three plates full of food, multiple desserts, and no water. 

I win, period! AND b.e.d.! 

One yesterday, one today.

Yesterday’s was one of those, “It’d really be more convenient for me to just get fast food because I don’t have time to make anything,” situations. I told myself to stop being ridiculous, because I work inside of Target and they have plenty of fruits, juices, and veggies there, so I grabbed some healthy stuff instead, which took even less time than sitting in a line for fast food. 

Today was more of an angry binge-attempt; I’d just gotten into an argument with a “friend” who made me feel like shit and left me nearly in tears before I had to head to my second job location, so I almost had no time for lunch. I fought THAT by telling myself not to let him get me down and that it was stupid to take my irritation with him out on my body, so I got some pretzels and hummus with a fruit cup instead. SUCK IT. 

James and I got sandwiches from Which Wich? for dinner [yes, again, I just love it] tonight 

As soon as we sit down next to each other he decides to pretend that his sandwich is his penis and made some gross grunting noise as he thrust it at me

So I did the exact same thing towards him, and that was the end of THAT. 

Shut that shit down reeeeeal quick

While you’re in the throes of being a full-fledged binger, and/or when you’re trying to recover, I feel that a support system can be important and beneficial, whether that support be coming from followers on Tumblr, your best friends, your boyfriend, your parents, or all of the above. 

Having someone there to keep you from eating your feelings or binging until you’re physically sick can REALLY be a huge help.

That being said, for me personally—I am NOT speaking of behalf of all bingers—I find it really detrimental when someone tries to forcefully tell me not to eat something. 

Example of something I find helpful: A few nights ago, I mentioned wanting pizza for dinner. As I said it, I knew I didn’t mean it, but I had urges to binge and wanted to start with the pizza. Lucky for me, James knew what was up, so he politely and gently said, “Why don’t we have the shrimp we bought yesterday with some veggies? I’ll make some asparagus since I know you love it.” He didn’t outwardly say it, but we both knew he was trying to deter me from binging. When we were done eating, I thanked him for steering me away from that decision. 

Example of something I do NOT find helpful, while realizing the intent was good: James and I went to my parents’ for a family dinner, and when we got there, there was a platter of cookies on the counter. I asked if I could have one, and my mom firmly yelled, “No,” while everyone else was eating them. I thought she was kidding, so I reached for one, and she playfully whacked my hand and said, “no, I’m serious, you can’t. You’re eating right, you want to lose weight, don’t you?” 

I found this frustrating for several reasons:

  • As someone struggling with their weight, it was embarrassing for me to be the only person in the room be denied ONE COOKIE while everyone else was having one. Maybe that’s dumb, but it still stung a little, like, NO FATTIE. NO COOKIES FOR YOU. GET THE FLAB OFF YOUR ASS AND THEN MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE COOKIES. 
  • After I insisted that I only wanted to have one cookie, she still said no. One cookie is not going to negate all of the clean eating and working out I have been doing. One cookie is not going to hurt me.
  • As a binger, being told NO in that manner is mentally detrimental to me. Maybe it’s not that way for everyone, but that made me just want to eat even more than I was going to. 
  • Everything in moderation is okay. I mean, I’m not telling you to go smoke crack or snort some coke in moderation, but was one home-made cookie going to hurt? No. Moderation is key. So is progress. The fact that I only wanted one was a big deal to me; three months ago I would have loaded up my plate with 6 cookies and came back for more. 

This week, I talked to both my mom and James about these approaches. Both mentioned that they felt I get defensive when they try to help, so I gave them both examples of when I felt they were were super helpful and accommodating, and said that what I do not appreciate is when it comes off as restrictive, because for bingers, that’s a bit dangerous. They both understood where I was coming from, and I let them both know that I appreciate their help on this subject and that they’ve both been very key to me staying on track. 

I also had a long talk with James again last night where he asked me a lot of really personal questions about binging so he could better understand things. We have discussed it before, of course, but this was really in-depth. I told him about how it becomes a secret you’re hiding, and how you make yourself physically sick. I gave him examples of things I used to eat and told him how binging makes you feel mentally. He asked me what I think about food when I think about it, and I told him about how I’d mentally plan out my next binge without even realizing it. It wasn’t the easiest conversation, but it was an important one to have, and I just really appreciate him even being so invested in learning about this so he can help even more than he already has. 

Does anyone else relate to this or do I sound like a crazy asshole? 

OKAYYYY apparently when I wrote that post earlier I meant “starting tomorrow…” because my period won, guys. Shark week went out with a bang. 

I ate some gross dessert-type shit that was indeed processed just hours after writing that update, which made me want to punch myself in the face on behalf of myself AND this blog. I just had some psychotic period-induced cravings that made me want to stuff my face. I decided to finish out the day with just a green veggie LIFE Juice, which was good, but still, man. Lame. 

Better work tomorrow! I promise! This cycle is just putting up a good fight. For the most part I’ve done well but the past two days were a little less in control than I’d prefer. Sidenote, my body HURTS from today’s workout. I had to sit on the floor at work to put some products away [well I didn’t have to, but I wanted to because I mistakenly thought it’d feel good to sit down for a while…NOPE] and ended up being like, ABORT. That shit hurtttt because today’s workout was mostly sitting movements that burned like a mofo, remember? 

Anyway I’ll be back tomorrow, and NOT eating like a period-crazy person. 

Today’s lunch was pretty :)

So is today’s overall intake! I purposely left my cash and card at home so I couldn’t buy any unnecessary food—self-love, not self-sabotage.

Breakfast: Shakeology with almond milk and organic peanut butter

Snack: Banana and unsalted almonds

Lunch: Herb salad with strawberries

Snack: 1/2 avocado with balsamic vinegar and a Luna bar

Dinner: Tilapia with brown rice and green beans with some random ass sweet relish that I’ve been craving lately. 1 glass of pure apple juice

Dessert: Frozen green grapes

Workout: T25 Speed 2.0, kettle bell lifts, wall pushups and shoulder taps

Water intake: About 1/2 a gallon

I also drank peppermint tea for the first time and just realized that no, I was not as bloated as I usually am today. Hoping it helps!

I started yesterday with awesome intentions, guys. I did my double-day workout, I packed healthy snacks, I downed a ton of water. But I walked past a package of Reeses eggs at work and it was downhill from there.

I did want to post yesterday’s intake for you but because I did go off track I want to be respectful of the other bingers who follow me and not post the details. I think my intake could be triggering to some people. So just know that it wasn’t pretty, my friends.

Upsides: I gave Laura the rest of my eggs (there were 2 left) and didn’t finish that whole package.

I also don’t want to do it again. I have no interest in feeling like that again, mentally or physically. My stomach hurt last night thanks to that, no thanks! I’ll pass.

That’s a big improvement over a few months ago, where I would have said, “well, I messed up, might as well keep going down this path.”

So I’m not happy about it but I’m not sad either. Not gonna beat myself up, just gonna be sure to eat clean today!

What are those chocolate packages, you ask? And why are they sitting on top of Maybelline color swatches of powder?

I found them sitting there at work and realized that I wanted them in my mouth. So I pulled a gross move and totally hid them behind some scarves in the next aisle so I could buy them later. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY. Friday is my “dessert day” and one of these bad boys is gonna be a part of it.

I’m not usually a dark chocolate fan—I stay loyal to milk chocolate—but there’s something about dark chocolate and sea salt that I enjoy. These are 55% cocoa and are 210 calories for one whole bar, as opposed to the chocolate I’d usually eat that is, like, 210 calories for half a square and hell no I wasn’t able to not eat the whole thing.

So I’m happy that I want a healthier dessert option and didnt go straight for a whole cheesecake or something.

I’m counting this as one NSV; the others for yesterday were the gallon of water I brought home, and the fact that when my body was telling me it craved sweets at 9:45pm I ate a slice of pineapple and called it a night.

I’m crying quite a bit right now, to be honest. 

Today I’ve wanted to cheat. A lot. I’ve gotten frustrated with healthy eating and have wanted to drown my annoyance in food. 

I don’t know where this addiction comes from. 

I don’t know why the obsession is here. 

I don’t want to deal with this anymore. 

I want to fast-forward to the time that I know is coming where I feel comfortable in my own skin again and have control over food. 

A time where cheat meal doesn’t mean “going completely downhill and erasing all the hard work.” 

A time where I’ve got a steady workout routine and am a fit and healthy person, both mentally and physically. 

Because being stressed out and wanting to eat until you’re physically sick isn’t healthy and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. 

I’m on week 3. I fuck up on week 3 EVERY SINGLE TIME. Without fail. It’s when I start to think, hey, maybe I’ll just eat this, or hey maybe I won’t do this workout, it’s fine. And it’s not fine. It’s the beginning of yet another cycle of the same old shit. It’s an excuse. It’s a reason to slip back into the comfort zone of food. 

I have a lot to be proud of today, and I will share it later. But right now I’m really struggling, mentally. I want to slip back into binging. I want to go stuff my face. I want soda. I want so many things that are so terrible for me.

I guess the most important thing to know is that I’m not going to do any of the above. I’m not going to binge. I’m not going to drink a soda, because it makes me sick, and I’m not going to go off track or start making excuses. I will do my double day tomorrow. But right now I’d like to just take a moment to cry because I’m trying really hard to fight an addiction and in this moment, it feels like I’m losing. I know I’m not. But not every second of every day can be strong and perfect and this is a moment that I need to take to just be frustrated and to fight against the urge to go make myself sick from overeating. So I’m sharing here instead of shoving things into my mouth.

I didn’t want to get out of my car on my lunch break, yeah, lazy, but I’m on my feet all day so any opportunity I find to sit down, I take it. So I found out El Pollo Loco has a “healthy menu” and that they have a grilled chicken salad that looked pretty good and is low in calories and sodium and all that good stuff.

I drove over to get it, and realized I was in the freaking Carl’s Junior drive-through. Instead of staying in it, though, like I would have a month ago, I backed up out of that shit and am about to eat my salad.

So I looked like a dumbass but I made the right choice!

I came home to this on the table last night. Flowers in my favorite color, a candle, and two bottles of wine so I could choose a color.

The best part? The meal. Because he knows I’m eating healthy, James cut up bell peppers and made sauce out of tomatoes. He put this over whole grain noodles and made a side salad with apples and cranberries.

I laughed at the proportions, but he didn’t mind me eating a small amount and putting the rest away for today’s lunch.

I had one tiny glass of wine, and then he did my workout with me.

I love this person more and more every day.

Today wasn’t the hottest day I’ve had. I don’t know what the deal is with this, but I felt extremely lethargic all day. In the morning it wasn’t that big of a deal because I figured I was just being lazy, but by the end of the day I felt like I could barely keep my head up. My energy levels were just REALLY low. 

Could be because I didn’t drink as much water today as I have been lately, and my eating was a little weird. I didn’t eat till really late in the day, which is unusual for me. I also know my period’s coming soon, which isn’t fun for anyone, so I’m not too thrilled about that, but i don’t know if it played a factor in today’s weirdness or not.

So I wasn’t as productive as I needed to be, and now I’m about to go to bed at 9pm, which is just WEIRD for me; I’m a night owl, always have been, but I’ve felt like it was bedtime since 7:00.

I am glad I still got my workout in. Really glad. I mean, I’ll be bowlegged tomorrow, but it’ll be worth it!

Tomorrow is going to be a busy and full day. I go to a work training that is an hour away, spend two hours there, then go straight into work until 8:30pm. I decided to do T25 after work instead of before, because I’m not a great sleeper—I wake up over EVERYTHING—and I have to be up at 6:00 tomorrow, so instead of getting up before that I’m just going to do the workout later. Which is going to suck because I know after 8 hours on my feet I’m not going to be interested in doing a hardcore workout. But I’ll talk myself into it.

Tomorrow’s supposed to be a double day for T25, but I opted to do the Saturday workout instead of doing two on Friday. Maybe next week I’ll do two in a day but 1. My body is probably not really up to that yet; still reeeeally out of shape, and 2. Next Friday won’t be half as busy, so I’ll make it happen then. I know lots of people who do the Saturday option and are happy with it, so it’s whatever to me. It’ll be fine =]

I’m off to bed; even writing this is making me tired. Goodnight guys! Hopefully more energetic posts tomorrow!