- James and I failed at grocery shopping last night. Um, again. Unfortunately, we decided to eat at Sweet Tomatoes, which started off healthy with a salad—with balsamic dressing, no less—and then slipped into saladdessertandtoomuchbread. I didn’t necessarily OVER eat, but I did have things that really weren’t needed. I could have done without the brownie; it wasn’t even that good.
- But I did work out my stomach and arms as promised, which made me feel less bloated. 50 varied kettle bell lifts and 150 varied tummy exercise later, and I felt good.
- I drank nearly two liters of water yesterday and am about halfway through my 1.5 liter bottle right now.
- I will be on my feet all day today; I’m headed to the gym after this post, and picked up a shift for tonight from 5:00-8:30 to make some extra money, so I’ll be walking through that whole thing. Then I’m headed to the Saddle Rack tonight because a friend is in town and it’s sacriligious to not go when she’s here. She’s the one who taught ambrizzo and I about the joys of Thanksgiving Eve/Black Wednesday when we were young and innocent 21-year-olds, and we’ve gone out every year since.
- I think before I go I’ll be drinking some of the liquour someone left over from our Halloween party. That way I A) won’t spend money and B) won’t put beer in my body, because I love me some beer and it doesn’t love my stomach. Also, I’m a freaking lightweight now so a little vodka will probably last me all night. This place is going to be ridiculously crowded with A) people I probably don’t want to see and B) every guy I’ve ever hooked up with in my entire life, so alcohol may be required.
I think that’s everything I wanted to share. I’m off to the gym now, more updates tonight =]
My friend ended up not being able to make it today, so I did the Death Stairs alone :( I almost didn’t drive out there but I talked myself into it. Halfway up I wanted to curl up and pass out but I decided to stop being a little bitch and keep going. I went up and down three times again; my goal will be 4 next time, and 5 the next, and so on.
I got a good sweat in and my legs were definitely feeling it, so I sat in the hot tub for a while when I got back as a “sorry I hurt you” present to my legs. On the way down for the final trip, my legs did feel like they were going to give out but luckily they didn’t (that’d be embarrassing. There were an 80 year old woman behind me. Can’t be shown up by grandma, just saying).
I’ll be working on my stomach and arms when I get home. James and I are going to the store tonight; we’re out of pretty much all food and we’re trying to not be lazy and quit it with eating out all the time.
He doesn’t know it yet but I’m going to try to talk him into a workout on Thanksgiving, or at least a walk. Couples that exercise together stay together, or something, right? It’s been a while since we’ve done something active together!
I weighed in today at 138.5, which is a full pound lower than last week.
Only one more pound to go till I’m back at the 137 mark I hit, which meant I had lost 15 pounds since my eating disorder announcement in May, which is great and all….
But I’ve realized something.
I haven’t been lower than 137 since 2011—MAYBE early 2012, but from stalking my own blog [weird? Maybe. Whatever. It happened] for quite a while today, I see that it’s been a long time. And 137 was the last lowest number I’d hit in significant amount of time; since 2011, it’s just been a yo-yo between 140 to mid 150s. What gives?
I posted briefly about this before, but I’ve come to realize that I’m a self-sabotager.
I wanted to lose weight for my friend Kaycee’s wedding—I put on 10-15 pounds and was my highest weight ever of nearly 160 lbs.
I wanted to lose for Cassie’s wedding—put back on 10 pounds.
Wanted to lose for last Christmas—put back on 10.
Wanted to lose for Halloween this year—packed on another 5.
These are just a few examples. The more I thought about it, the more I discovered that any time I deliberately set out to get in shape or take some weight off, I also deliberately start to binge and do everything I can to sabotage myself.
I sat down and thought about WHY this is, since obviously something mental is blocking me here. I think that it just boils down to binging being EASY. It’s easier to just eat what I want and when I want to and I’ve always been someone who takes the easier way out instead of putting the required work in.
I don’t have a lot of patience. What I do have, instead, is a hot temper and a need for instant gratification when it comes to just about anything. I get frustrated easily when I need to wait for things, so instead of doing that, I abandon that idea and latch onto another.
Right now is make or break time. This moment. This week. This month. This is it. I am at 138.5, and within the next two weeks or so, I could be under 137, breaking out of something that has held me back for at least a year now. I need to get past this. I can’t make this another time that I get to 137, then freak myself out and climb back up the scale.
Instead of being afraid or worried for this, I am excited. The 120s are right around the corner. I am already feeling good and feeling like I look better, too. This is great.
My goal for the next 2-3 weeks is to see 136 pop up on the scale. After a while, I will stop even using the scale at all, but I find it more effective in the “beginning” of my journey to keep me on track, so for now, a weekly weigh-in is keeping me motivated.
Yesterday I felt embarrassed by my blog for a moment. This thought came into my head, like, “this is so embarrassing. I’ve been on here for over 3 years now, posting about the same struggle over and over again. I reached my goal once and then threw it away and regained all my weight and now I’m here every day writing the same old shit, how lame am I?”
But then I realized that I’m still here. I didn’t just quit, nor have I ever just thrown in the towel and said, “well, it’s easier to binge so I’m just going to keep doing that.” I’m still trying and that means success is inevitable since I refuse to quit. So that’s pretty cool. And whether you’re on your first attempt to lose weight or your 50th, you’re still going and that’s what really counts.
I see I have messages so I’ll be sure to reply to everyone later! Thank you all for your feedback on the last post, it was awesome!
So many of you! Did one of you lovebugs promote me again or do you guys just love me in undies dressed as Walter White? (pleasesayyessoicantellmydadheswrongokthanks)
Well either way, welcome, please say hi if you’d like to. I’m trying to follow more people and have been working on doing so the past few days!
Today I’m headed out to San Francisco with one of my favorite people; more on that and today’s workout & food later!
One of my best friends got married today. She looked even more beautiful than she usually does, but I’ll share this picture with you because it’s more true to the nature of our relationship.
Because I suck ass, I didn’t give myself enough time to get ready AND eat, so I had to run out the door before breakfast and now my stomach is making noises like Gollum. I just ate a few things at my parents’ house [poor parents probably thought that by my brothers and I moving out they’d have their food to themselves. HAHA…no] and drank a liter of water to the face because I was so thirsty.
I’ll be eating dinner in a more timely manner before heading out for wedding festivities and getting in some quick exercise.
I’d like to write more in-depth on food and exercise stuff but this week has been my busiest in quite a while so bear with me another couple days here and I’ll be back on track with the relevant updates ASAP <3 Until then, enjoy my ugly face pictures.
On the left is me with ambrizzo aka Medusa with Sandy from Grease and on the right is me with James aka my down ass boyfriend who agreed to cover himself with grey paint to look like I turned him into stone. Good times!
I figured that’d get your attention, you perv!
I did the 10-minute fat blasting circuit yesterday as discussed and, as expected, it did make me sweat a gross amount [goal: accomplished] and it also lead me to check out Andrea Orbeck’s website. I liked a lot of what I saw [and I just liked her site, in general; I’m a website snob] and am about the do the same workout as yesterday and an arm toning workout, too.
Apparently a sore ass is not enough for me! Make ALL the body parts sore!
P.S. It’s official, I’m going to be Medusa for Halloween. James is debating being one of my guys that I turned into stone, which was ambrizzo's idea. Operation: Figure Out A Hairstyle Or Headband That Isn't Stupid Looking and Will Look Cool With Snakes Coming Out Of It will be commencing shortly.
My friends and I walked the Golden Gate bridge yesterday! I haven’t done it since I was a kid, so it was fun to go do something touristy. I live about 45 minutes from San Francisco and I literally have no idea why I’m not there more often; I love the city. The bridge was beautiful and the walk was a lot of fun.
….it also kicked our asses. In total, with the walk to the bridge, across it, BACK across it, and back to the car, we walked nearly 7 miles. I dressed for the cold, because I was anticipating winds and the usual San Francisco chill, but that’s what I get for not checking the weather first—it was hot as shit out there. My outfit was so unnecessary and I looked like a dumb ass snow bunny who was lost in the wrong town. I also didn’t have enough water on me, so by the time we got to the car, we were all beat.
I got on the scale this morning and was really disappointed. Really, really irritated. It said 139.6. I was at 137 the last time I weighed in and was hoping to go downwards. I’m going to let the annoyance ride over me and then get past it, because I do feel good and that’s what matters, but sometimes the weight loss journey is a rough road and this is one of those weeks where the process is not on my good side.
I want to spend the next 3 months working as hard as possible to get this done. I want to enter 2014 feeling good about myself and being comfortable in my own skin and clothing. I don’t want to step into a new year wondering why I still haven’t made a change. I would be really disappointed then, and being disappointed with yourself is the worst.
IT’S HALLOWEEN MONTH! I am too, too excited! I cannot wait to decorate my loft with all Halloween everything and wear costumes and watch scary movies. The only thing I’m sad about is something I realized last week—we most likely won’t be getting any trick-or-treaters because my apartment is in a building that is commercial and located next to other businesses, so people probably won’t know we actually live there :( I think I’m going to put up a sign that says “we have candy, come here!” […but in a less creepy, pervert-in-a-van way] on our gate because I really want kids to trick or treat with us.
Anyway! I have many fun and relevant things going on so here are quick updates on what I’ve been up to and what I’m about to be doing!
- Guys, I was bad this weekend. My period began on Thursday and I gave in to it entirely and ate whatever I wanted—and what I wanted was some bad bad stuff. I got back on the wagon yesterday, but I’m definitely feeling it and paying for it now. My goal for next month is to stay on track during my period.
- I started today, and October, by going to the gym with my mom. We just did 30 minutes on the treadmill, but it was a good kick-off to the new month.
- Speaking of my mom, that angel handed me her “backup” gym pass today, so I basically have a free membership to Fitness 19, and also bought me my own scale! Sure, it was because she’s sick of me stealing hers, but I’ll take it! Thanks mama!
- Yesterday I checked out the 10 minute workouts that are on On Demand and did the kickboxing kicks video. I worked up a sweat in the short amount of time it took to complete it! I’ll be doing another one [or two] of them this afternoon.
- I did not weigh in today since my period is still lingering; I find weighing in on period weeks is often disappointing, so I’ll be hopping on the scale next Monday instead.
- This weekend was a fun one; on Friday night, friends and I headed to the Saddle Rack, where uplusmeequalsus and I drank entirely too much, and on Sunday evening, we went sailing in San Francisco! So much fun. Even for someone who is terrified of the ocean. Laura, thanks for offering to hold my hand. Love my friends.
I’ll be posting October goals shortly!
Just what you’ve always wanted AND needed, yet another picture of my face!
My friend Krystal, who I met in preschool, is getting married and sent me this bottle of wine to ask if I’d be her bridesmaid. This is wedding number 2 I’m in for 2014 and will be my 4th time being in a bridal party. If my calculations are correct (and nothing goes horribly wrong with any of my friends. And I’m not being an assuming asshole) I should be in 5 more, so I’m going to start filming my own version of 27 Dresses pretty soon.
I went bowling with some friends last night. Long story short, I sucked. A 7-year-old was better than I was. And I actually got WORSE on my second game, who does that?!
I was happy with my eating choices yesterday though. For a minute there I thought I was going to eat something unhealthy for dinner—Chinese fast food was literally sitting on the table in front of me—but we ended up going to Applebees so I had the grilled lime shrimp off the Weight Watchers menu. And water with lemon. I’m sure you were dying to know what drink I had, so Merry Christmas to you, now it’s out there.
I’m still in bed so there’s been so activity today whatsoever but I’ll update later after I get my lazy ass up and moving.
This’ll be the opposite of yesterday’s post. In case you were thinking that this weight loss journey is all happy fun times and flawless moments of me saying, “no thanks!” to junk food, let the record state this is not true.
I haven’t drank enough water today so I feel like butthole. A butthole that someone…ran over.
I somehow managed to forget to eat lunch so I repeat: run-over butthole feelings are abound.
I didn’t get enough sleep and now my will to exercise is reeeeally low.
I saw a picture of a churro earlier and it made me want to cry. Then I saw ANOTHER picture of a DIFFERENT churro and I’m pretty sure I whimpered. I can’t tell if it was a sexual noise or a painful one but either way it wasn’t okay.
What I’m going to do after I stop whining about it: grab a water bottle, eat some food, and propose a basketball game at the elementary school around the corner when James gets home.
This was a quick picture James took of me at the bacon festival. And one of me with my best friends. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly indulged in a couple things—I had a bacon chocolate cupcake, and frozen custard in a donut sandwich with burnt caramel—but for the most part I did really well.
I thought I was gonna go HAM at this thing and not be able to hold back and eat ALL the pigs, but I actually showed some pretty awesome restraint. I gave the donuts on my ice cream sandwich to James, along with the rest of the ice cream.
When we were walking through the flea market next door, there was a fruit stand selling huge cups of fruit and vegetables. The man behind it was yelling, “this is where you treat yourself! Don’t cheat yourself by eating bad food!” and as cheesy as it was, I felt like he was talking to me and like I couldn’t keep walking past it, so I didn’t. You can see it in the picture above!
I’m going with a group of my friends tomorrow to a bacon festival in San Jose.
Pros: I’m excited to be hanging out with everyone, I’ll be getting a lot of walking in, I’m curious as to what exactly an entire FESTIVAL dedicated to bacon will entail.
Cons: There’s going to be bacon products and all kinds of other unhealthy foods all up in my face and it’s going to be really tough not to shove it all in my mouth.
I’ve talked to James about it and recruited him as my “assisant” for the day. Basically his sole responsibility is to save me from myself and stop me from making bad decisions.
The only thing I really want is bacon beer. I’ve tried it once and wanted it in and around my mouth for the rest of my life. So if it’s there tomorrow [and why would it not be? That’d just be wrong. Sick and wrong!], I want it. Besides that? I think I’ll be bringing a lunch. And definitely eating before we go. As magical as it sounds, my breakfast does not need to be a bacon-wrapped ANYTHING.
I weigh in on Monday again and I would really love to be able to cross off a pound—or two!—off the chart I made and stuck on the fridge!!