Peace out, pudge!

i was naturally thin, a girl who proudly flaunted her body and the fact that it took nothing to keep it looking toned and tiny. binge-eating entered the picture in my early 20s, and the pounds packed on. in 2010 i took off 20+ pounds, but after getting my first "big girl job" in an office and having access to free food, i gave in and gained it all back. since then, it's been a roller coaster of gaining and losing weight AND gaining and losing love for my body. currently, i'm recovering from a back injury and still striving to get my body to look the way i want it to, but throughout the journey i've found a self-appreciation i never had before. if you're okay with some dirty words, lame jokes, and lots of cat pictures, follow along to keep up with my progress. i promise to always keep it interesting. <3
Posts tagged "help"

ive kept a lot of my larger clothes to use for comparison purposes, but today they’ll come in handy for a better reason! 

my friend posted on facebook today about how a local family’s house burned down—WITH THEIR CAT AND 3 KITTENS INSIDE OF IT—and they lost everything. the people are all ok, thank god obviously, but they have nothing, including their pets; i cant even imagine. i would be completely crushed. 

i messaged the girl who originally posted, and she said that one of the girls is a size 12. 

im putting together a bag full of size 12 stuff now. i had wanted to keep things to compare my old size to the new, but this is a way better use for these clothes and im so excited to drop it off later. 

so glad i had kept all this stuff instead of tossing it like i originally wanted to!

While you’re in the throes of being a full-fledged binger, and/or when you’re trying to recover, I feel that a support system can be important and beneficial, whether that support be coming from followers on Tumblr, your best friends, your boyfriend, your parents, or all of the above. 

Having someone there to keep you from eating your feelings or binging until you’re physically sick can REALLY be a huge help.

That being said, for me personally—I am NOT speaking of behalf of all bingers—I find it really detrimental when someone tries to forcefully tell me not to eat something. 

Example of something I find helpful: A few nights ago, I mentioned wanting pizza for dinner. As I said it, I knew I didn’t mean it, but I had urges to binge and wanted to start with the pizza. Lucky for me, James knew what was up, so he politely and gently said, “Why don’t we have the shrimp we bought yesterday with some veggies? I’ll make some asparagus since I know you love it.” He didn’t outwardly say it, but we both knew he was trying to deter me from binging. When we were done eating, I thanked him for steering me away from that decision. 

Example of something I do NOT find helpful, while realizing the intent was good: James and I went to my parents’ for a family dinner, and when we got there, there was a platter of cookies on the counter. I asked if I could have one, and my mom firmly yelled, “No,” while everyone else was eating them. I thought she was kidding, so I reached for one, and she playfully whacked my hand and said, “no, I’m serious, you can’t. You’re eating right, you want to lose weight, don’t you?” 

I found this frustrating for several reasons:

  • As someone struggling with their weight, it was embarrassing for me to be the only person in the room be denied ONE COOKIE while everyone else was having one. Maybe that’s dumb, but it still stung a little, like, NO FATTIE. NO COOKIES FOR YOU. GET THE FLAB OFF YOUR ASS AND THEN MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE COOKIES. 
  • After I insisted that I only wanted to have one cookie, she still said no. One cookie is not going to negate all of the clean eating and working out I have been doing. One cookie is not going to hurt me.
  • As a binger, being told NO in that manner is mentally detrimental to me. Maybe it’s not that way for everyone, but that made me just want to eat even more than I was going to. 
  • Everything in moderation is okay. I mean, I’m not telling you to go smoke crack or snort some coke in moderation, but was one home-made cookie going to hurt? No. Moderation is key. So is progress. The fact that I only wanted one was a big deal to me; three months ago I would have loaded up my plate with 6 cookies and came back for more. 

This week, I talked to both my mom and James about these approaches. Both mentioned that they felt I get defensive when they try to help, so I gave them both examples of when I felt they were were super helpful and accommodating, and said that what I do not appreciate is when it comes off as restrictive, because for bingers, that’s a bit dangerous. They both understood where I was coming from, and I let them both know that I appreciate their help on this subject and that they’ve both been very key to me staying on track. 

I also had a long talk with James again last night where he asked me a lot of really personal questions about binging so he could better understand things. We have discussed it before, of course, but this was really in-depth. I told him about how it becomes a secret you’re hiding, and how you make yourself physically sick. I gave him examples of things I used to eat and told him how binging makes you feel mentally. He asked me what I think about food when I think about it, and I told him about how I’d mentally plan out my next binge without even realizing it. It wasn’t the easiest conversation, but it was an important one to have, and I just really appreciate him even being so invested in learning about this so he can help even more than he already has. 

Does anyone else relate to this or do I sound like a crazy asshole? 

I live in the Bay Area and had no idea how high our homeless population is. I’ve been researching this more and more over the past month, but two nights ago my boyfriend and I walked through the streets of San Jose after ice skating and eating dinner. On the way back to the car, in the span of less than a mile, I counted SIX people sleeping on benches with minimal blankets, and our weather is in the 30s right now. Something inside of me snapped.

I am tired of walking past people and doing nothing. I have reached out to five Bay Area shelters, and three responded immediately saying that they are in urgent need of blankets.

PLEASE. If you live ANYWHERE in the Bay Area, or just want to raise awareness elsewhere, reblog this. If you can donate just one blanket, please message me on here or email me at TARABAKHTIARI@YMAIL.COM [yes that is ymail; no I do not know anyone else who uses that] and let me know if you are willing to donate. You do not need to drop them off anywhere or clean them; I will be taking care of both. 

I go to sleep with a roof over my head, a sheet and a comforter, have a boyfriend to cuddle with and a mini heater to turn on when it’s extra cold like it has been. Thousands of people where I live are sleeping on benches, on the ground, and on buses to try and get a roof over their head, and these people are dying in the cold. We need to do something to help, and although it may be small, donating a blanket could literally save someone’s life tonight.


We need to help each other.

Thank you for all the good luck wishes on my interviews—after months of interviews and phone calls and nothing panning out, I got both of these jobs, and I was equally excited for both.

One will be doing customer care for a wedding/events company, which is an industry I LOVE so I’m super happy about that. The company is big on charity work and has been featured in publications like Modern Bride and Martha Stewart magazines, and has clients like Swarovski, Mercedes and other big names, so I’m happy to be a part of it.

I wasn’t given the position I wanted with the other location, but was really excited to hear that they opened another position for me. I’ll be working with youth in the Bay Area in regards to suicide prevention. This is something really close to my heart and I’m so glad I was picked for this.

My life is about to change drastically come Monday morning. It’s scary and awesome at the same time.

i got TWO messages today from people—i didn’t publish them because i didn’t know if that’s what they wanted, it’s a private subject—saying that they really appreciated me taking the time to write them messages when they wrote posts about needing help or someone to talk to. 

i’m not sharing this to be like, “look at how awesome i am!” […although……….just kidding]. i’m sharing it because i wrote to both of these people at least 3 months ago, and they’re telling me now that they’ve never forgotten those messages and that it helped them to know somebody cared. 

it is 100% worth it to take 2 minutes to write a simple, “are you ok?” or “need to vent, let me know” or even just “hey, i care!” when someone is down. i try to do that with each of you, and sometimes i miss the opportunity if i don’t see a post, but if i do see it, i’ll at least give you one of these bad boys: “<3” so you know i read it and that i care. 

i am so happy right now that both of these people decided to share with me that i was able to touch them. this is the best feeling. so thank you. and to anyone wondering, “should i comment on someone’s post and see if they’re alright?” 

…please do.




“Hug people, not toilet bowls.”

A girl I knew, who suffered from bulimia, used to say this in the hospital, everyday, to herself in the mirror. She said it made her smile, and reminded her that people hug back, toilet bowls don’t. 

It’s not meant to be a joke, or to offend anyone, and mind you, I didn’t come up with it, I’m just the photographer. But I think it portrays bulimia very well. The toilet becomes one of your best friends when you have bulimia. And the people who were your friends slowly begin to fade away in your life until that toilet bowl becomes one of the most important things in your life. 

I wanted to post this for my followers who are suffering from bulimia; maybe it’ll help one of you look at things in a different way <3

(via micromorganism)

i’m lucky to have lots of people who support my need/want to get back into shape, but one of my favorites is the elderly security guard at work, bob. if i didn’t already have an awesome grandfather, i would wish for bob. i don’t mean to sound super creepy, but goddammit, i love this guy.

i told him about how james and i are competing against each other, and he thinks it’s an awesome idea since we’ll be able to not only motivate one another but also push each other to try harder. but besides that, bob says the sweetest shit—i came in today and announced that i had a veggie plate and granola as my snacks, and bob burst out with, “i am so proud of you! you’re doing so well. i know you’re going to do great with this! day 3 will turn into many more!” and when we discussed the fact that i’m a little stressed over my job situation, he said, “darling, you’re going to get lucky. you’ll be fine. keep looking and it will come to you.”

I LOVE BOB. everyone needs an old security guy to back them up! …wait, what?

But that’s okay.

Don’t get mad at your friends or family when they tell you to eat. Be glad that you have people who love you enough to do it. You aren’t ‘alone’ because they’re telling you something you don’t want to hear, you have people who care enough about you to take the risk of you being angry at them to defend your safety and maybe even your life.

Before I began using Tumblr I had no idea how many girls out there suffered from eating disorders; it’s depressing to log in and witness it firsthand every day.

I see people pushing others away because they don’t want to be told, “You need food and water in your body; stop starving yourself.” That isn’t people attacking you, that’s people loving you.

I don’t support the disease, but I do support those who want to overcome it.

I should probably print this bad boy out ASAP.

(via skinnyminded)

Tomorrow I walk in the CureSearch Walk for cancer! All proceeds go to childrens’ cancer research, including the $10 I paid to sign up to walk.

My team has raised nearly $500 and it’d be awesome if we could get there by tomorrow. Any and all donations are extremely appreciated! If any of you choose to donate, thank you a million times <3

I’m walking in the CureSearch walk this weekend in San Francisco—all proceeds, including the 10 bucks I had to pay to walk, go to research for kids with cancer.

When we were only 5, one of my closest childhood friends developed a brain tumor and passed away shortly after. He is the reason I walk on May 14th.

Any and all donations are appreciated!! I’ve put a link to my personal page, if you want to verify that you’re really donating to me; I know it’s a bit iffy over the Internet. If you have any questions please let me know, but again, anything and everything is greatly appreciated. Thank you <3

Hey guys,

On May 14th a few of my friends and I will be participating in the CureSearch Walk in San Francisco to raise funds for childrens’ cancer research. If you could donate anything to our team, or pass the word along, I would really appreciate it!

35 children are diagnosed DAILY with pediatric cancer and 7 of those children will not survive it. Cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children. While the cure rate is now 78% (up by 30% in the last 20 years), it is not good enough.

Any donation amount is appreciated. Thank you all in advance <3

My personal page can be found here:

I’m helping out a family friend with a current psychology project and was wondering if I could enlist the help of some of my super amazing followers?

All you have to do is send me one thing about yourself that absolutely nobody else knows. It can be anything—that you dance around in your room naked, that you have a secret addiction, that you wish you were someone else, that you’re still in love with Nick Carter—doesn’t matter.

Things to know:

  • You DO NOT have to use your username when sending me your submission; using the anonymous option is fine. However, if you DO have your username showing it WILL NOT be used in any way, shape or form.
  • Please do write your age with your submission.
  • There is no character limit; you can write as much or as little as you’d like to.
  • Your ‘confession’ won’t be posted here on my blog at any point, so nobody’s dash will be spammed with these and nobody’s private entries will be revealed to everyone on my Tumblr!

Your submission may be later used in a book that will become published; if so, you will be notified of this if you have chosen to have your username and/or contact info showing =]

I’d appreciate any reblogs! And of course, any and all submissions.

Thank you, in advance <3

The past 4 days or so have been a bit of a downer. I’m not feeling happy with my body, my progress, or my journey in general. I know this will pass and I’m not sure what brought it on, because usually I’m so pleased with what I’ve done so far and what I’m continuing to do, but right now I’m just not happy with it.

Words of encouragement, please? You guys help to keep me motivated. Even if it’s ‘stop being an emo bitch and get on the treadmill,’ I will appreciate it; cheering myself up isn’t working so well.

guys, can you please share some arm workouts or ideas for losing weight in your arms that have worked for you?

i’m probably going to be familiar with most of the suggestions but i’m interested to see what other people have done/are doing.

i’m considering spending a decent amount of time per day, maybe around a half hour, doing exercises with the punching bag and lifting my kettlebell. once the weight in my upper arms is gone or at least toned up i’ll be super happy.

any new ideas?