Peace out, pudge!

Today was a success. I hit my 26 points right on the nose, yayyyy. What I’d really like a high five or an amen for, though, is the fact that I went to Applebee’s with my boyfriend and his sister who I’m actually in love with and will probably marry someday [BYE JAMES. HI SAMANTHA.] and I ordered off the Weight Watchers menu and pre-planned it before I went and didn’t eat ANYTHING else.

I didn’t steal any of James’ fries. I didn’t touch ANY of the dessert, which was hard because it looked amazing, omg. And my food was actually really good! Bonus points!

James and I are going shopping this weekend. He says he wants to get ingredients for the recipes on the WW site, so we can both eat their food…so I don’t have to do it alone. He reminds me every day of why I am lucky to have him.

I’ve had SO MUCH support flowing in from people today for admitting my eating disorder publicly and for signing up for this program. If anyone out there is hesitant to get the help they need, I hope this can show you that when you need it, people are willing to step forward and help. I’m getting messages from old friends, new ones, and people who I don’t even know saying that they’re happy for me for taking this “first” step towards recovery. That is REALLY awesome. I am so impressed by everyone right now and so excited that I’m doing this.

I wonder how many times I’ve posted on here like, “hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!” It feels like a million times.

But hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!

After I admitted to myself, my mom, and all of you that I do indeed have a true eating disorder [I’m pretty sure my doctor is going to say, “I TOLD YOU SO” the next time I see her—seriously, she keeps it real], I made a decision to try something that was never really an option to me before.

I joined Weight Watchers. And I went to my first meeting. 

For some reason I always equated Weight Watchers to a bunch of older women with pedometers eating assigned foods and tallying up points and really I just didn’t know anything about it. And the only people I knew who had tried it were older women—my mom, my mom’s friends, my elderly neighbor. 

My mom was actually the one to suggest it. I looked up the site, did some research, immediately tried to put off going to a meeting, and then told myself, NO. No more of this. So I signed up for yesterday’s meeting and have already tracked my first day of food.

There were lots of older ladies in there, yes, but there were also a couple younger ones and even a few men of different ages. Everyone was nice, and I felt myself nodding along to their words the ENTIRE time. The leader was friendly and funny, which helped too. 

At the end of it, we had a separate meeting for the newbies, where I met two women I really liked and a very sweet older woman who called me pretty [10 points for you, Sylvia] and wished me good luck when she walked out the door. I shared what I shared with all of you and the leader and the other women were very sensitive and supportive towards me.

No pun intended, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders…and I feel like this was the reason my weight loss wasn’t permanent before. I took off nearly 30 lbs, sure, but without admitting the problem, which is supposedly the amazing gateway first step, it probably wasn’t in the cards for me to make a permanent change.

I won’t lie, I felt a little self-conscious walking up to the building. It’s in a popular area of town, and for a moment I thought, what if someone sees me? 

And then I told myself, who the fuck cares? 

This weekend will be my first test, and I intend to pass it. It’s tough for me (and probably lots of you!) to eat well on the weekend due to the lack of time structure and the boyfriend saying things like, “let’s go to dinner!” Also, I’ve realized how much I really struggle with eating at my parents’ house— there are just too many temptations under one roof. I need to keep that in mind, because when I go there I just mindlessly pick up food and eat it and it’s all bad.

I’ll be updating at least once daily this weekend to ensure I stay on track.

i told james that i need help with not binging or eating crap. usually he promises to have my back, then kinda forgets about it because HE doesn’t need to watch what he eats so much, and then we start the whole cycle again. but lately he’s been a really big help, and tonight he did not give in to my whining: 

not sure where this came from, but i really wanted taco bell and was totally pushing for it. instead of saying, “alright, let’s get it!” like i know he wanted to, he calmly talked me out of it, reminded me that i’d be upset with myself if i ate that, and treated me to a “healthy” mexican dinner instead.

hours later, he said that he was really glad that he held his ground because he knew it’d make me happy in the long run. he knew that i just wanted taco bell in the moment but that i’d be unhappy with eating it. 

good boy. A+, sir.

it’s nice to live with someone who supports the fact that i want to eat healthy and am taking two months away from alcohol to get my tummy fat back in check [damn you, beer]. he’s also the best ego-booster on EARTH; being called beautiful and told that i have an awesome body at any weight every day is sweet and he goes so far out of his way to pick me up when the weight loss journey kicks me down.

i’m lucky to have lots of people who support my need/want to get back into shape, but one of my favorites is the elderly security guard at work, bob. if i didn’t already have an awesome grandfather, i would wish for bob. i don’t mean to sound super creepy, but goddammit, i love this guy.

i told him about how james and i are competing against each other, and he thinks it’s an awesome idea since we’ll be able to not only motivate one another but also push each other to try harder. but besides that, bob says the sweetest shit—i came in today and announced that i had a veggie plate and granola as my snacks, and bob burst out with, “i am so proud of you! you’re doing so well. i know you’re going to do great with this! day 3 will turn into many more!” and when we discussed the fact that i’m a little stressed over my job situation, he said, “darling, you’re going to get lucky. you’ll be fine. keep looking and it will come to you.”

I LOVE BOB. everyone needs an old security guy to back them up! …wait, what?

i believe you have to be your biggest supporter when you’re losing a significant amount of weight.

you have to be there for yourself when you start to get upset over the fact that it was so easy to put on, but now it’s so tough to take off. you have to pat yourself on the back every time you hit a NSV, or pick yourself back up every time you binge. you have to stop yourself from purging or not allowing yourself dinner as a punishment, or give yourself a [literal] cookie for doing such a good job all week. you have to congratulate yourself for doing exercises while you watch tv, and not sitting there with a bowl of popcorn, or high-five yourself for getting up and going for a run in the rain.

you have to make sure you don’t over-do it, or under-do it, and most importantly you have to push yourself to keep trying and get rid of the negative, “this is taking too long, this is too hard, i don’t care anymore, ill eat what i want” thoughts.

 you cant rely on other people to do it for you, not every time. you have to do it, every day, 10 times a day, or else you won’t get to where you want to be.

as a lot of you know, i had my first ‘hate’ message[s] yesterday. the only reason it’s even being mentioned is because i wanted to say thank you to all of the nice things that were written in response to it. usually i go through and thank everyone individually; in this case, i wouldnt even know where to start.

i don’t know how i ended up with such great followers. when i started my blog i figured it’d just be me myself and i reading it. now there’s nearly 400 of you and i’ve got more support than i ever thought i would.

you know what’s really nice? that so many of you genuinely want me to succeed. so many of you have said things like “i’ll be so happy when you reach your goal weight” or “i was really excited when you lost 10 lbs” or “you should be really proud, i’m proud of you too.” i love how selfless the support is. and i love that i genuinely want you to lose your weight, too.

when any of you hit any type of goal i’m excited for you. when you have a NSV or just feel especially proud of your accomplishments, i’m happy for you too.

and ironically, the anonymous comments left me in an amazing mood. how could that even come close to bugging me when i had so many of you saying sweet, supportive, and hilarious things? the only issue i have with it is that before that comment, i’d never had anything even remotely on this page; my blog was completely untouched by anything rude whatsoever. but it was bound to happen and when it did, i came out feeling even better than i already did because so many of you jumped to my defense.

so thanks guys! i know i say it all the time, but just know that you’re appreciated.

the messages that i get—including, and maybe even especially the ones thanking me—are what inspire me to get off my ass and go to the gym. i’m someone who could very easily sit at home all day reading or on the computer if i don’t absolutely force myself to get up and go, so these messages are what push me towards getting the last 10 pounds off.

so thank you!