Hello, lovers!

Whenever I post about me “falling off the wagon” or “messing up” when it comes to eating habits, I always think, this is it. People are finally going to be sick of this and stop reading this blog. And every single time, you guys surprise me by providing me with support, kind words, and endless amounts of love. I don’t even know WHY I’m surprised at all, at this point! So thank you, lovers, for being so good to me as always and keeping me motivated <3 

I will say this, though—I will never stop trying. I will never quit. I will never be so discouraged that I just STOP. 

It does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop, right? 

=] 

My mom and I always joke about how I’ve got a great rejection bounce-back rate, and even though that’s kinda sorta embarrassing, I’m also proud of it.

Get rejected by a job? Apply for another. Get rejected by a guy? There’ll be another who appreciates you more. Mess up with weight loss? Start a clean slate with your eating during the next meal, or the next morning. Get pooped on by life? Make tomorrow better. 

So you know, I did eat clean yesterday, took all my vitamins, and drank lots of water. I got some healthy snacks to stick in the car again in case I get cravings; I find that that helps me a lot. I also raided my parents’ fridge—no, they cannot get rid of me—this morning for fruit, thanks guys! 

Summer, and my friend’s wedding, are right around the corner now! It truly is crunch time, to make sure I am as happy and as healthy as possible for these events. 

<3 

A big thank you

And a virtual, non-creepy hug to everyone who commented and messaged last night. You guys stopped me from doing something that I would have regretted, so thank you so much.

After a lot of tears and a big talk with James, I ended up having a veggie burger on a wheat bun with tomatoes and cucumbers for dinner—and two cups of water with lemon :) WAY happier I made that decision than going with what I wanted to do.

I did my double workout today, since it is Friday and therefore double day of death. I did Ab Intervals and Total Body Circuit and am in pain but happy to be done with week three of T25!

To those who messaged me about starting on Monday, good luck! I think you’ll love it :)

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate you

Tuesday workout: CHECK

Today was my favorite video [Speed 1.0] again so yay to that. When I looked at my schedule yesterday and saw that it was Total Body Circuit, there was no “yay” reaction—it was more like SONOFABITCHFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

But today was much better!

I’ve mentioned that I go to my parents’ place to do my workouts because they have more space, yes? They went out of town this morning to see my brother for a few days because he’s getting deployed to Afghanistan very shortly; super bad subject I hate talking about. Apparently I’d rather just sob in my car about it every night. But I did my workout this morning and to be honest I think it’ll be good to be able to do it without anyone around for the next few days. I was able to focus more than usual and not have any distractions at all. 

Isn’t it weird how good you feel when you’re drenched in sweat? I was COVERED today and was like THIS IS AWESOME. I LOVE IT.

I joined another support group on Facebook today; there’s about 10 people in it and it’s really active, so I think that’ll be helpful. Between them, you guys, and my boyfriend + friends helping me out, there’s no excuse for failure =] 

The other night James and I made burgers because I randomly had a crazy burger craving bitch-slap me in the face. I don&#8217;t know where it came from but the NEED to have a burger was strong (like the force) so instead of heading to McDonalds like I wanted to, we headed to Safeway for materials. I felt a million times better after eating this burger than I would have if I&#8217;d gotten a Big Mac (jk I would have gotten the two cheeseburger meal, that was my binge-beginning specialty) and am really glad I&#8217;ve learned to control my urges over the past few months.

The other night James and I made burgers because I randomly had a crazy burger craving bitch-slap me in the face. I don’t know where it came from but the NEED to have a burger was strong (like the force) so instead of heading to McDonalds like I wanted to, we headed to Safeway for materials. I felt a million times better after eating this burger than I would have if I’d gotten a Big Mac (jk I would have gotten the two cheeseburger meal, that was my binge-beginning specialty) and am really glad I’ve learned to control my urges over the past few months.

Awww

I told my mom that I’m down another pound and she was really happy for me. Since I called her sobbing like a bitch about my ED she’s been very supportive.

Anyway. When I told her I’m at 138 she said good job and all that fun stuff, but then she ALSO said, “when you reach your goal I’ll buy you a new outfit; you can pick out anything.”

She probably thinks I’ll forget. Sucks for her. I could reach that goal 10 years from now and I’d still be like HI MOMMY. TIME TO GO TO THE MALL.

6.6 pounds down

i went to weight watchers early today because i won’t be going to the actual meeting tonight; i have stuff to get done and MIGHT be going to a karaoke thing so i decided to just weigh in. plus, i don’t really feel like i NEED the meeting today. the support group of my boyfriend, friends, coworkers, and my mom, paired with the fact that i’m in a good place mentally, is getting me through the days right now.

so yeah i weighed in and i’m at 146 flat now. i started at 152.6 so it’s really nice to see the numbers consistently dropping each week. this past week i lost 1.2 lbs. 

i was thinking that when i lost weight on my own, i lost it faster; i dropped 10 pounds in the first month and it looks like i’ll lose 7 this time. BUT then i realized that yeah, i dropped it quickly, but i also put it back on because i didn’t stick with it. what i’m doing now is more realistic in the long run. and 1.2 lb a week is just fine, especially since i really wasn’t expecting to lose anything this week.

6.6 makes me very happy! good first month so far!

For those asking about Weight Watchers

I’m definitely not the authority on this since I’ve only been to 3 meetings but for those asking questions I wanted to just answer them all in one place =]

For me, it’s $42.95 a month. Personally, that isn’t something I especially want to pay—that being said, I do think it’s worth it. Included in that is the weekly meetings and eTools, which include things like a point tracker, recipes, blogs, support groups, and more.

The point tracker is easy to use, quick, and simplistic in design, which I personally really like. Also, when you weigh-in at your meeting, their computer system automatically updates your weight. So you can log in and see exactly how much you’ve lost without having to keep track all the time. 

Do I think it’s worth it? Yes. I’ve lost 4.2 pounds in two weeks and am definitely quickly dropping inches. I like my leader and the group I’m in, and the point tracker really keeps me on track. 

I say if you’re interested, just jump in. On a Tuesday I contemplated it, then forced myself to sign up; the next day I had my first meeting and felt really good walking away from it. 

Day two of Weight Watchers!

Today was a success. I hit my 26 points right on the nose, yayyyy. What I’d really like a high five or an amen for, though, is the fact that I went to Applebee’s with my boyfriend and his sister who I’m actually in love with and will probably marry someday [BYE JAMES. HI SAMANTHA.] and I ordered off the Weight Watchers menu and pre-planned it before I went and didn’t eat ANYTHING else.

I didn’t steal any of James’ fries. I didn’t touch ANY of the dessert, which was hard because it looked amazing, omg. And my food was actually really good! Bonus points!

James and I are going shopping this weekend. He says he wants to get ingredients for the recipes on the WW site, so we can both eat their food…so I don’t have to do it alone. He reminds me every day of why I am lucky to have him.

I’ve had SO MUCH support flowing in from people today for admitting my eating disorder publicly and for signing up for this program. If anyone out there is hesitant to get the help they need, I hope this can show you that when you need it, people are willing to step forward and help. I’m getting messages from old friends, new ones, and people who I don’t even know saying that they’re happy for me for taking this “first” step towards recovery. That is REALLY awesome. I am so impressed by everyone right now and so excited that I’m doing this.

Sorry to drop the eating disorder bomb and then disappear…

I wonder how many times I’ve posted on here like, “hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!” It feels like a million times.

But hey guys, thanks for the support yet again!

After I admitted to myself, my mom, and all of you that I do indeed have a true eating disorder [I’m pretty sure my doctor is going to say, “I TOLD YOU SO” the next time I see her—seriously, she keeps it real], I made a decision to try something that was never really an option to me before.

I joined Weight Watchers. And I went to my first meeting. 

For some reason I always equated Weight Watchers to a bunch of older women with pedometers eating assigned foods and tallying up points and really I just didn’t know anything about it. And the only people I knew who had tried it were older women—my mom, my mom’s friends, my elderly neighbor. 

My mom was actually the one to suggest it. I looked up the site, did some research, immediately tried to put off going to a meeting, and then told myself, NO. No more of this. So I signed up for yesterday’s meeting and have already tracked my first day of food.

There were lots of older ladies in there, yes, but there were also a couple younger ones and even a few men of different ages. Everyone was nice, and I felt myself nodding along to their words the ENTIRE time. The leader was friendly and funny, which helped too. 

At the end of it, we had a separate meeting for the newbies, where I met two women I really liked and a very sweet older woman who called me pretty [10 points for you, Sylvia] and wished me good luck when she walked out the door. I shared what I shared with all of you and the leader and the other women were very sensitive and supportive towards me.

No pun intended, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders…and I feel like this was the reason my weight loss wasn’t permanent before. I took off nearly 30 lbs, sure, but without admitting the problem, which is supposedly the amazing gateway first step, it probably wasn’t in the cards for me to make a permanent change.

I won’t lie, I felt a little self-conscious walking up to the building. It’s in a popular area of town, and for a moment I thought, what if someone sees me? 

And then I told myself, who the fuck cares? 

First test!

This weekend will be my first test, and I intend to pass it. It’s tough for me (and probably lots of you!) to eat well on the weekend due to the lack of time structure and the boyfriend saying things like, “let’s go to dinner!” Also, I’ve realized how much I really struggle with eating at my parents’ house— there are just too many temptations under one roof. I need to keep that in mind, because when I go there I just mindlessly pick up food and eat it and it’s all bad.

I’ll be updating at least once daily this weekend to ensure I stay on track.

boyfriend gets an A+ on the test he just passed.

i told james that i need help with not binging or eating crap. usually he promises to have my back, then kinda forgets about it because HE doesn’t need to watch what he eats so much, and then we start the whole cycle again. but lately he’s been a really big help, and tonight he did not give in to my whining: 

not sure where this came from, but i really wanted taco bell and was totally pushing for it. instead of saying, “alright, let’s get it!” like i know he wanted to, he calmly talked me out of it, reminded me that i’d be upset with myself if i ate that, and treated me to a “healthy” mexican dinner instead.

hours later, he said that he was really glad that he held his ground because he knew it’d make me happy in the long run. he knew that i just wanted taco bell in the moment but that i’d be unhappy with eating it. 

good boy. A+, sir.

it&#8217;s nice to live with someone who supports the fact that i want to eat healthy and am taking two months away from alcohol to get my tummy fat back in check [damn you, beer]. he&#8217;s also the best ego-booster on EARTH; being called beautiful and told that i have an awesome body at any weight every day is sweet and he goes so far out of his way to pick me up when the weight loss journey kicks me down.

it’s nice to live with someone who supports the fact that i want to eat healthy and am taking two months away from alcohol to get my tummy fat back in check [damn you, beer]. he’s also the best ego-booster on EARTH; being called beautiful and told that i have an awesome body at any weight every day is sweet and he goes so far out of his way to pick me up when the weight loss journey kicks me down.

get a support system!

i’m lucky to have lots of people who support my need/want to get back into shape, but one of my favorites is the elderly security guard at work, bob. if i didn’t already have an awesome grandfather, i would wish for bob. i don’t mean to sound super creepy, but goddammit, i love this guy.

i told him about how james and i are competing against each other, and he thinks it’s an awesome idea since we’ll be able to not only motivate one another but also push each other to try harder. but besides that, bob says the sweetest shit—i came in today and announced that i had a veggie plate and granola as my snacks, and bob burst out with, “i am so proud of you! you’re doing so well. i know you’re going to do great with this! day 3 will turn into many more!” and when we discussed the fact that i’m a little stressed over my job situation, he said, “darling, you’re going to get lucky. you’ll be fine. keep looking and it will come to you.”

I LOVE BOB. everyone needs an old security guy to back them up! …wait, what?

be your own support system.

i believe you have to be your biggest supporter when you’re losing a significant amount of weight.

you have to be there for yourself when you start to get upset over the fact that it was so easy to put on, but now it’s so tough to take off. you have to pat yourself on the back every time you hit a NSV, or pick yourself back up every time you binge. you have to stop yourself from purging or not allowing yourself dinner as a punishment, or give yourself a [literal] cookie for doing such a good job all week. you have to congratulate yourself for doing exercises while you watch tv, and not sitting there with a bowl of popcorn, or high-five yourself for getting up and going for a run in the rain.

you have to make sure you don’t over-do it, or under-do it, and most importantly you have to push yourself to keep trying and get rid of the negative, “this is taking too long, this is too hard, i don’t care anymore, ill eat what i want” thoughts.

 you cant rely on other people to do it for you, not every time. you have to do it, every day, 10 times a day, or else you won’t get to where you want to be.

to you:

as a lot of you know, i had my first ‘hate’ message[s] yesterday. the only reason it’s even being mentioned is because i wanted to say thank you to all of the nice things that were written in response to it. usually i go through and thank everyone individually; in this case, i wouldnt even know where to start.

i don’t know how i ended up with such great followers. when i started my blog i figured it’d just be me myself and i reading it. now there’s nearly 400 of you and i’ve got more support than i ever thought i would.

you know what’s really nice? that so many of you genuinely want me to succeed. so many of you have said things like “i’ll be so happy when you reach your goal weight” or “i was really excited when you lost 10 lbs” or “you should be really proud, i’m proud of you too.” i love how selfless the support is. and i love that i genuinely want you to lose your weight, too.

when any of you hit any type of goal i’m excited for you. when you have a NSV or just feel especially proud of your accomplishments, i’m happy for you too.

and ironically, the anonymous comments left me in an amazing mood. how could that even come close to bugging me when i had so many of you saying sweet, supportive, and hilarious things? the only issue i have with it is that before that comment, i’d never had anything even remotely on this page; my blog was completely untouched by anything rude whatsoever. but it was bound to happen and when it did, i came out feeling even better than i already did because so many of you jumped to my defense.

so thanks guys! i know i say it all the time, but just know that you’re appreciated.